When I took a walk the other day, there was all this white, fluffy pollen floating in the air, and I thought: "

Depending on someones mood (or medical condition, for that matter), this could either be seen as reminiscent of the beautiful forest-scene in

LEGEND

… or the toxic nightmare-environment of

STRANGER THINGS'

Upside Down

."
 
This, in turn, reminded me of a short blog-entry I have been wanting to write for a while, but never found myself in the right mood (or had the energy to do it).
 

Anyway, the topic is everybody's favourite:

A few years ago, I tried to explain to a friend (a happy, blond, blue-eyed, white, cis-hetero- male) what

severe depression

feels like … and by "severe" I mean the

suicidal

variety … - when

the tide comes rushing in with full force

.
 
I knew that mere words would entirely fail to convey the all-consuming desperation, but then I remembered the scene from Wolfgang Petersen's 1984 adaptation of Michael Ende's

THE NEVERENDING STORY

, in which Artax dies in the

Swamps of Sadness

.  
 
Symbolically speaking, I find it to be the perfect description of what it is like to go through this, and I was hoping it would help to make him at least

partially

understand.
 

(In the end, I don't think he really did, but that's a different story altogether.)

In this scene, Atreyu (Noah Hathaway) and his horse/friend Artax have to cross the vast

Swamps of Sadness

… but while Atreyu is at least

partially

protected by the Auryn (a powerful medallion, given to him by the Childlike Empress), Artax is defenseless and succumbs to despair. Atreyu is begging, even screaming at his friend that he has to

move

… that he has to

try

, has to

care

… but Artax is only sinking deeper and deeper, until the black waters swallow him...

Even now I have tears running down my face, as I am looking at these images.
That's how

true

they are!

When you view this scene as a metaphor for severe depression,
you have to understand that this is

NOT

an exaggeration!
 
I absolutely cannot stress this point enough:
When the tide comes in,

ALL

OF THIS IS

REAL

.
 
When the tide comes rushing in,

you

KNOW

for a

FACT

that there is

NO HOPE

.

This is what your

brain

tells you. This is

ALL

you can see.

Let me repeat this:

You

KNOW

with absolute

100% certainty

that there is

NO HOPE

.

Ever.
There never will be.
It will never get better.
There is only PAIN and MISERY and DESPAIR and DEATH.

FOREVER

.
There is nothing else.

When the tide comes rushing in,
you instantly

FORGET

that it

WILL

eventually

go away again

...

...which makes it

seem

like there is only

one

way to escape this. It's treacherous.

If you are wondering, how one can even make it through the high tide (without medication), my only answer (at this point) is:

by getting

distracted

. Distracted from

yourself

. And by (hopefully) having an empathic enough friend to

remind

you that the tide will

eventually go away again

. Like it always does.

And, NO ... getting

yelled

at and being told to

"snap out of it"

does

NOT

help.
It has the exact opposite effect.

PANIC ATTACKS

, on the other hand, are an entirely different beast … and I admit that I am pretty much defenseless against them.
 
Mine began about six years ago, came seemingly out of

nowhere

, and the effects of the worst one so far lasted for three whole days. Nothing helped. I thought I was going crazy. Even supposedly relaxing videos became a

trigger

. It was (is) absolutely

TERRIFYING

.
 
This was a month

before

I finally got my CPAP machine, and since then I have learned that (in my case) it is the

lack of sleep

that causes my brain to go into complete panic mode.
 
I still have no defense against this. All I can do, when I feel this very

particular

kind of ANXIETY slowly building up, is to go to bed.

Sleep helps

.

Unlike severe depression, with a full blown panic attack your brain tells you that there is

NO WAY OUT

, and

EVERYTHING becomes a deadly threat

.
 
This scene from

STRANGER THINGS

(season 2, episode one) illustrates the beginning stage of a panic attack rather well:

... and with this I am going to close today's entry, because I don't want to linger on this topic any longer.

Take care

.

P.S.: The German version of THE NEVERENDING STORY has the better soundtrack. Klaus Doldinger's music for

(The Swamps of Sadness) is beautifully melancholic.