Date
3rd January 2021

29 years ago, in 1992, somebody from the UK sent me a letter ... and it had this pretty, photocopied picture on the back of the envelope...

ForeverMiserableEnvelop

All these years I have kept it with my SOPOR stuff. Not only, because I liked the image (though I did, obviously, I still do) ... but also because the line

forever miserable

seemed to hold a fascinatingly cruel promise, a dark and terrible premonition.
 
I wasn't scared by this thought (not back then), because I didn't expect things to change anyway. Well, not for the better that is.
 

- - -

 
2021 holds the 30-year-anniversary of SOPOR's first tape

"Es reiten die Toten so schnell..."

, and as I was restoring old photos and scanning the original artwork for the upcoming re-release (which I am oddly excited about), I was constantly transported back in time (only figuratively, thank goodness).
 
Looking at those old and never used (in fact, completely

defaced

with black permanent marker then) baby-bat pictures of myself ... it made me wonder, once again, how I would have reacted back then, if my future self had somehow magically appeared in front of me, to tell me of (a few of) the things that were lying ahead in the years to come.
 

Would I have believed any of it?
Would I have given up and put an end to everything right there and then?
 
- - -

 
At some point last year - I think it was in November - I noticed a list of YouTube videos entitled

IT GETS BETTER

(or something like that), which seemed like it was more or less famous homosexuals talking about depression (or maybe getting bullied as a child). I don't know, if that's

really

what these were about, because I didn't actually watch any of them. Mainly, because the only celebrity in this I recognised was RuPaul, and - honestly - I didn't care for what she had to say. But the headline did make me wonder...
 

... do things

really

get better?


 
I thought about this for a while ... in fact, I kept (keep) coming back to this question frequently, and the only answer I can give myself is:
 

"I don't know.

Do

they?"


 
All I can say for certain is that some things are

different

now. For example, SOPOR's music is

infinitely

more fabulous

these days than 30 years ago...well, quite obviously so ... and yet, in essence, it hasn't changed ... at all.
 
The same is true for depression.

While the sadness is always there and never fully goes away, I am more or less "OK" for most of the time now. Not like back then, when everything was shrouded in darkness and pain permanently and only varied ever so slightly.
 
It is much better now, indeed. Thank goodness for that. However, when the tide comes in

nowadays

, it is absolutely

TERRIFYING

. It gets so much worse now.
 

SO. MUCH. WORSE

.

 

I cannot even begin to describe it.
It is BRUTAL.

 
But ... as I said, most of the time ... I am actually OK. So, I honestly don't know, whether things get better or not. They just ...

change

.
 
This being said, when I look at those old photos, I cannot help but sigh and say:

"THANK GOODNESS THAT SHIT IS

OVER

!!!"
 

- - -


 

So .. yes ... I guess, things

do

get better.


 
Sort of.
 
In a way.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

There, positivity. Hooray!

ForeverMiserable
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