22th December 2010
When the tide rolls in ...
Yesterday was ... not good. In fact, it was really bad. Though depression is an everyday part of my existence and always with me, I can usually keep it at bay ... - sort of, anyway. As long as I have the ability (and am given the chance) to create/produce art (preferably music), I am more or less able to control it ... - if only by distraction.
But there are days ... when ... well, really all you can do is to lie in your bed (or shivering on the dirty floor, because you just cannot even find the strength - or motivation - to crawl back into bed), hoping that the darkness that is inside and around you will eventually grant you the favour of letting you escape into the arms of sleep.
There ... as I know from experience ... is the only place I would be safe.
Maybe it was the fact that this time the tide came in on a full moon (which coincided with a lunar eclipse and the winter solstice) ... or that the work on this GHOST-TRIPTYCHON makes me even more aware of my loneliness and isolation than usual ... in any way, the sadness and pain were so all-consuming, that it became clear to me that there will come a day, when I won't be able to survive this any more.
On that day I shall escape into the arms of sleep for one last embrace. Only this time, I won't have to wake up again.
I do find solace in the fact, that everything I need for this is already stored right next to my bed.
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(I had this song playing on an endless loop in my head yesterday. So, here it is again.)